I learned something from a recent experience at a luxury hotel chain about how not to ask for feedback if you really want feedback. It occurs to me that the lesson applies to anyone who would benefit from honest customer input.

I once led a day-long program on trust-based selling to 26 men and women at a global market intelligence firm. We were knee-deep in a conversation about empathetic listening as a primary driver of influence. One of the women—a strong and articulate leader—pulled me aside to ask a question that got me thinking about a serious issue that faces anyone in a leadership role.

Within a matter of days, I had two different colleagues tell me how badly they each felt about decisions they made that impacted me. My reaction to their well-intended missives taught me an important lesson about why saying you “feel badly” is a waste of everyone’s time. It also helped me get clear about an alternative—and much more trustworthy—approach.

I’ve recently had to deal with some challenging personal circumstances and therefore decide how much was appropriate to share with clients about it. I learned something important from sorting that out that I’m opting to share with you, especially because we get this question so many times in our workshops when we beat the “trust is personal” drum: where do you draw the line between personal and private? I’ll answer that here.

Last week, I shared insights gained in the process of collecting client feedback on behalf of one of my clients. That got me thinking: have you asked your clients for feedback lately?

I don’t mean sending your clients a survey about how the last project went. I mean crazy high-touch stuff like flying them to your next off-site and having them actually talk with you in real-time—panel-style or more informally—about your relationship. Or slightly less crazy but still high touch: having a conversation in real-time about your relationship.

Most of you know by now that I’m a debunk-er of conventional business wisdom, at least when it comes to managing relationships. My latest target: the advice we get to “follow their lead” (“they” being clients). When it comes to trust-building, this can be a really bad idea.