This post is part of our Monthly-ish Tips series.
Most businesspeople have been taught either overtly or covertly to be “professional” at all times. And while I’ve never encouraged anyone to be unprofessional, I do wholeheartedly believe that a little opposite wisdom works wonders: Be human, please. The people we remember most aren’t the ones who hide behind formality and bravado—they’re the ones who let us see their humanity.
One of the simplest ways to really connect with other people is to divulge stuff about yourself. I don’t mean deep, dark, inappropriate secrets; I mean things about you that make you more human, and that require at least some vulnerability to disclose.
Whether and how to share what feels personal
Monthly-ish Tip readers from 2018 may remember when I had to deal with some challenging personal circumstances and decide how much was appropriate to share with clients. Two close members of my then-spouse’s family passed away within two weeks of each other.
We lost the first family member shortly after I left for vacation, and I aborted the trip so I could be home. A lot of clients knew I was supposed to be off the grid for 10 days for my annual art retreat, and many inquired about it when I finally came back online. When they specifically (and usually excitedly) asked, “So, how was your vacation?” I wasn’t going to lie.
But what about:
- More distant clients who learned about my time away from my out of office message, and subsequently mentioned it—should I say something?
- Those who simply asked me as a courtesy how I was in the days immediately following the events—should I tell the truth?
- Clients who knew from prior exchanges that the one family member had been very ill, and had subsequently inquired—should I initiate the sharing of the news?
I asked myself two questions to sort it out:
- Would they feel misled if they found out later?
- Would I tell them if they weren’t clients, but friends?
In every case, the answer to at least one question was, “Yes.” So, I opted to share—honestly and matter-of-factly, rather than in a woe-is-me kind of way. I used caveats so they’d know an unexpected answer to a cheery or benign question was coming. I also opted to tell the truth via out of office message when I was traveling for a funeral.
Sometimes it all felt just fine, other times I felt vulnerable. In all cases I got truly lovely and heartfelt replies—surprisingly so, in some cases. I’d like to think the exchanges benefitted all parties. I know they benefitted me.
We all face difficult circumstances. The real choice is whether to let others in or keep them out.
“Isn’t there a line to draw?”
“But Andrea,” you say, “isn’t there such a thing as being too open? Too personal? A line to be drawn?”
Yes, there is. But thanks to all that business “training” you’ve received over your career, you’re not likely getting anywhere near it.
Of course it’s always important to be appropriately open. It’s equally important to stretch beyond what’s comfortable, and being open is pretty much always uncomfortable for people who’d rather deal with intellectual topics than engage with others in a more intimate way.
This exact discussion came up once when I was leading a workshop for a group of super smart people in a super high-tech industry. Corey White was in the room—he’s now the CEO of a security company but at the time was overseeing the entire consulting arm of this tech-savvy firm. His answer to, “How do you know where to draw the line?” was immediate and straightforward. He simply said, “Don’t be weird. And don’t be an a**hole. Everything else is fair game.”
What can I say, other than that’s just f***ing brilliant.
Make It Real
Let people in on life events. Everyone deals with loss, setbacks, and challenges. Look for opportunities to disclose something you’re currently dealing with or that you’ve dealt with in the past. Follow psychologist Susan David’s guidance to share from your scars, not from your open wounds. Because when you choose to share a little with clients, you invite them into your inner circle and build deeper trust in the process.
Perched on your shoulder, cheering you on …
Andrea Howe