Reprise: Don’t let your egocentric bias stop you from this simple relationship-building practice

by | Jun 24, 2025 | Monthly-ish tips

This post is part of our Monthly-ish Tips series.

I was listening to a podcast the other day that referenced research I had shared with Monthly-ish Tip subscribers in 2018, which inspired me to reprise the old tip. The research was cited in a New York Times article (sourced by the journal Psychological Science) and points to ways we can all benefit from a variation of a practice that my mom taught me—provided we can get past our misguided assumptions.

My Mom’s best practice was to write hand-written thank you notes. Long-time readers won’t be surprised to hear me extol the virtues of a hand-written note of any kind as a striking differentiator in today’s low-touch, technology-driven world. This is true now more than ever with advent of AI.

The above-mentioned study shares the results of a similar practice, revealing that a simple email of gratitude—one that takes on average five minutes or less to write—had surprisingly positive impacts on the part of recipients.

What I find most interesting is what the study uncovered in terms of the biggest barriers to sending these little notes. Apparently, we’re all likely to:

  • Overestimate how uncomfortable recipients would feel about receiving our note;
  • Underestimate how positive they would feel;
  • Significantly underestimate how surprised they would be about why we were grateful.

According to the study, many recipients who filled out questionnaires about how it felt to get the notes said they were “ecstatic” to have received them and scored a happiness rating at four of five. The senders typically guessed they’d evoke a three.

The study concludes that “an egocentric bias may lead expressers to systematically undervalue its positive impact on recipients in a way that could keep people from expressing gratitude more often in everyday life.”

Using the language of the trust equation, this sounds an awful lot like yet another case of high self-orientation getting in the way of high intimacy.

So now we all know better, and this simple best practice can help us do better.

Make It Real

This week, set your egocentric bias aside and take five minutes each day to send a short note of gratitude—hand-written or otherwise.

Learn More

Read a story of how a hand-written note sealed a deal in Chapter 11 of The Trusted Advisor Fieldbook.

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Andrea Howe

As the founder of The Get Real Project, I am the steward of our vision and our service offerings, as well as a workshop leader and keynote speaker. Above all else, I am an entrepreneur on a mission: to kick conventional business wisdom to the curb and transform how people work together as a result. I am also the co-author, with Charles H. Green, of The Trusted Advisor Fieldbook (Wiley, 2012).

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