Reprise: A critical influence lesson inspired by my elderly Mom

by | Sep 23, 2025 | Monthly-ish tips

This post is part of our Monthly-ish Tips series.

I was reminded about this post the other day (first shared in 2020) as I have been speaking lately to various business developer audiences about a critical influence lesson. The original post was inspired by interactions with my then-93-year-old mom, reminding me of what a mentor of mine once labeled, “Being committed, not attached.”

Mom never liked being rushed or pressured, and she liked it even less as it took her longer and longer to get going in the morning, and to move from place to place.

More than once, when Mom felt compelled or obligated to do something in the afternoon or evening (mornings were ALWAYS off the table), she’d call earlier in the day to cancel. And more than once it made a different outcome possible to say, “Of course Mom, do what feels right for you, though we’ll definitely miss you,” or “No problem, I’m sure so-and-so will understand and look forward to seeing you another time” … and then give it a little time and revisit.

Being attached to an outcome (like, Mom joining a big family holiday celebration because well, honestly, this might be our last one with her) made it really hard to give her the space she needed to think and choose freely and clearly.

This is true for clients and buyers as well as mothers. Even if your intentions are golden, when you focus in on wanting something specific for them/from them/of them—because your idea is right, dammit or your quarter is about to close—your self-orientation is high. It’s more about you than it is about them, and they can sense it even when it’s subtle.

Being committed, not attached, means you are dedicated to something bigger, like helping clients choose what’s truly best for them, or connecting meaningfully with family during the holidays. When it’s genuine and heartfelt, you are able to do two important things:
(1) See a variety of pathways for achieving what you desire
(2) Hold space in the face of hesitation or concerns or a “no”—those things that traditionally-trained salespeople call “objections.”

Being committed not attached alters your way of being. It frees you up from your agenda/drivers/wants, which in turn frees them up to be more candid about their needs and wants and reactions. They’re more likely to approach you rather than resist you. And if they do choose to be all in on a path forward with you, there’s a better chance they’ll be truly committed to it.

Those who know certain types of martial arts tell me this is akin to working with your opponent’s energy, rather than fighting against it. Kinda like Steve Jobs did when he validated someone who spoke publicly against him in a large forum by saying thoughtfully, “One of the hardest things, when you’re trying to affect change, is that people like this gentleman … are right …”

For the record, I’ve always found choosing commitment over attachment easier to write about than to do. With Mom, it could be wildly frustrating to deal with her wavering, and very challenging to manage expectations with doctors/friends/family. I’ve experienced similar feelings with clients, just with different circumstances.

I’ve also learned from Mom and others that being committed is never a guarantee that you get what you’re committed to, but eing attached is almost always a guarantee that some kind of suffering will ensue (like added holiday or quarter-end stress), and usually for all parties.

Overall, I like the odds of being committed a lot more. And I’ve got the memories of our last winter holiday dinner with Mom (RIP) to prove it.

Make It Real

This week, observe yourself in conversation with others. Pause to notice when you’re attached versus when you’re committed. What’s different about how you feel, and about how you’re showing up?

Learn More

Brush up on what it means to have a trustworthy mindset when you’re negotiating in Chapter 26 of The Trusted Advisor Fieldbook.

May the force be with you, always.

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Andrea Howe

As the founder of The Get Real Project, I am the steward of our vision and our service offerings, as well as a workshop leader and keynote speaker. Above all else, I am an entrepreneur on a mission: to kick conventional business wisdom to the curb and transform how people work together as a result. I am also the co-author, with Charles H. Green, of The Trusted Advisor Fieldbook (Wiley, 2012).

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