We did some practice in trios and one of the women in the class, a strong and articulate leader, approached me at the next break to ask a question. She had realized during the role play that she listens with empathy at home much more than she does at work, particularly with her children. In other words, she’s got the skills; she’s just not applying them to business. Her question boiled down to this: “How can I do this trust-building ‘stuff’ at work without appearing weak?”
What a great question.
Embrace the Feminine Edge
I didn’t have a very articulate answer on the spot and I’ve been thinking about it ever since.
It seems to me that finding this elusive balance point—between softness and strength, feminine and masculine, yin and yang—is both a challenge and an opportunity for women in business. The words “feminine edge” come to mind, which is perhaps an oxymoron or maybe a paradox.
I’m certainly not the first person to think about this topic this way—a web search for “feminine edge, business” turns up some thoughtful articles, including one in Kiplinger magazine about women’s lower risk tolerance as a benefit when it comes to investing and another about women making strides as car salespeople. Then there’s my own business book shelf which includes long-time personal favorites like Selling is a Woman’s Game and Play Like a Man, Win Like a Woman—books that aim to uncover, celebrate, and capitalize on what women uniquely bring to the business world.
Right now, I think that the key to answering this question (“How can we do this trust-building ‘stuff’ at work without appearing weak?”) lies partly in adopting a different view of what’s “weak,” and partly in elevating the business value of being true to who we are.
Adopt a Different View of “Weakness”
In Dr. Brene Brown’s TEDx Houston talk on the power of vulnerability, she suggests that the lens you look through makes all the difference: while we may see our own vulnerability as weakness, others see it as pure courage. She asserts that vulnerability as weakness is myth.
That makes sense to me, especially when I consider my own experience of strong leaders, both male and female. They’re the ones who are able to connect with me by balancing competency and vulnerability. They’re assertive, decisive, knowledgeable, and in-charge while also being accessible, open, humble and fallible. The alchemy occurs in the combination. One series of traits without the other leaves me short on confidence and respect, albeit for different reasons.
Perhaps the concern about appearing weak is simply an irrational fear that we all have an opportunity to acknowledge and then…set aside.
Be True to Who We Are
Just last month, John Bussey wrote a piece in the Wall Street Journal covering advice from 11 women who are CEOs of Fortune 500 companies on how women can get ahead. Bussey’s inquiry was spurred by Jack Welch’s recent clash with a group of female executives over how best to advance to the upper echelons of corporate America. Bussey set out to specifically ask female CEO’s about the factors that fueled their careers and what myths about the advancement of women they encountered along the way.
One comment stood out for me, from Gracia Martore of Gannett: “In order to lead an organization, you have to be incredibly comfortable in your own skin and the only way to do that is to be confident in who you are.”
One way to interpret this is that if you’re an empathetic mom, so be it and don’t hide it. I’m not saying women should or would get ahead by treating fellow leaders like children. I’m saying that rather than suppress what we naturally do well, why not bring it forward in a way that’s contextually relevant?
I know for me that being real doesn’t always feel immediately comfortable because it requires risk-taking—as in, risking appearing weak even if I understand intellectually that I won’t. I also know that my best business relationships—the most loyal, rewarding, and profitable—are distinctly marked by candor and authenticity (on both sides). And I know that the more I try to be someone I’m not, the more exhausted I am at the end of the day.
Reframe the Question
Maybe, then, the question isn’t “How can we do this trust-building ‘stuff’ at work without appearing weak?” but rather “How can we model the courage of a leader by being who we are?”
Small edits, big difference.
Originally published by Forbes
Andrea Howe
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